it’s not funny nor interesting, nor does it satisfy my narcissism and implicit attention-seeking cravings evident in all bloggers…even the shitty ones.

Sigh.

Internet: i’m so over you.

Day 2. I’ve got the shakes.

Last night, I successfully navigated a sushi dinner with a friend. No beer, no sake, even though the waitress was kinda pushy: “Hot sakeeee? So cold out!…..You sure?”

Goddamnit woman, just back the fuck off!

When I thought my friend wasn’t looking, I managed to slip a few packets of low-sodium kikkoman into my oversized fashion bag. My mal-purposed intention was (obvs) soy sauce shooters in the privacy of the overly-sweet scented lavatory. But my friend’s got eyes in the back, side, top of his head and he damanded that I hand them over.

Fine. Killjoy.

Without cable TV, I watched ONCE (sweet! cute! adorable!) and then spent a few hours pretending to read the exhaustive New Yorker profile of the recently deposed O’Neal, while snipping at split ends. I’m determined to regain my status as a nerd of the first degree, but how does one un-fry an egg?

3 am: the Witching Hour

Crisis. I was hurtled awake by a nagging anxiety in the pit of my tum, and I needed to annihilate it. Normally, I’d take a nip (or 4 or 5) of bourbon from the night-flask I keep in a hollowed out copy of Motherless Brooklyn at bed’s side, but clearly that violates the Great Detox plan. And besides, I made quick work of my reserves just before I decided to give up hooch. Irony alert: I was inebriated when I decided to go sober. I’m so complex!

So, I did what any responsible, but sleepless adult would do.

Make chamomile tea with milk and turn a few pages on Catch-22? What the hell is wrong with you? C’mon. Think.

I raided my pig bank to rustle up some scratch for a few cans of mad dog (old dog?) some dog, whatever, and some cheddar flavored bugles. After sinking those bad boys, I sourced my bathroom for the last of the nyquil mixed with the last of the ‘tussin and dropped a klonopin. But before passing out somewhere in the middle of a pile of cat hair, dust mites, and empties, I forgave myself this minor setback. Self-love & forgiveness of one’s transgressions, according to the Four Agreements, is key to self actualization.

Love to you on this most blessed of days.