When you and I met last, we were becoming intimately acquainted with my colon and the alleged toxic scum clinging to it’s squiggly lining. I had forgone three squares in the name of the almighty detox and I had intended to document my astonishing weight-loss and new found euphoria hitherto hidden under sheets of sticky ickies.

Looks like I totally flaked!

After the first few days, I lost interest in pretty much everything. I watched a lot of mind-numbing CSI, while I counted down the days when I could savor an apple. Or a rice cake. Or even that book of matches on my coffee table.

I lasted a total of seven days on the Master Cleanse diet, cheating only twice (Sashimi on day 3 and a pork chop on day 5). I aborted the cleanse 3 days early because I stopped losing weight on day 6. By day 7, I felt like complete shit, my eyesight began to fail, I couldn’t concentrate on simple tasks, and walking to the corner store felt akin to running a marathon.

When I met with my doctor, a DO, and she said my body was likely breaking down, i.e. I was in starvation mode and my body was eating itself to carry on with basic functions, like breathing…and blinking. Not cool! Instead, she offered me a printout of her favorite 5 day detox which includes a two-day juice fast followed by meals of brown rice and steamed vegetables.

Though it’s not my cup of tea, and I obviously didn’t have a fine time of it, I won’t disparage the Master Cleanse, especially since others have testified the benefits they’ve experienced. Different strokes for different folks. While I didn’t stay faithful to the diet and didn’t complete my goal of the ten-day fast, I did manage to kick a few bad habits (smoking, partying like a rock star) and pick up a few good ones (Omega-3, organic foods, and meditating like a rock star), even if I did have cake for breakfast this morning.